How to Stop Fighting and Start Loving

We live in a world of conflict: wars, politics, competition, divorce, racism, territorial disputes, global destruction, fueled by power, anger, greed, jealousy, terror, rage, apathy. We think the conflict is with the other who is opposed to us. Yet, what is not apparent is that the real conflict is WITHIN us. Therefore fighting each other is completely ineffective, and in fact STRENGTHENS and PERPETUATES our conflict and suffering. 

How do we create new realities, so we don’t continue this viscous cycle? We can choose to stop REACTING out of FEAR and RESISTANCE and start RESPONDING from LOVE and ACCEPTANCE. 

Here’s and simple step by step approach:

1. BREATHE:

When you encounter conflict, take a few seconds to BREATHE several long breaths. 

2. FEEL:

As you are breathing, become AWARE of what emotion you are FEELING, while resisting the urge to get lost in the story. For example, instead of saying “That SOB just cut me off in traffic!” you can say, “I feel ANGRY right now.” Or instead of saying “So and so won’t communicate with me,”  you can say, “I feel SAD right now. “

3. HUG:

Then take a moment to give that part of you that feels angry, sad, disappointed, anxious, jealous, unworthy, a big HUG by crossing your arms across your chest. 

When that part of you feels ACKNOWLEDGED, SAFE and LOVED, you create an entirely new space with which to create a different outcome for yourself and the other. 

4. RESPOND:

Now you have empowered yourself to take inspired action or non-action by RESPONDING from a place of LOVE and ACCEPTANCE. 

That may mean that you tell someone, “No, thank you” instead of “Hell NO!” Or it may mean you do nothing and go about your day with a big smile on your face because you have loved a part of yourself that really needed it. Or it may mean that you come up with an idea that is mutually beneficial for both of you that you may not have considered when you were in a state of conflict. 

Whatever the case, you will have FREED yourself from fighting with the other and given to yourself the LOVE that it was needing at this time. That’s how to stop fighting and start loving, and life is a whole lot more fun that way. 

Your External Reality is a Reflection of Your Internal Reality

Everything in our external reality is a reflection of our internal reality. 

 When I stop attributing my reality to the result of happenstance external factors and begin using my reality as AWARENESS of what IN ME wants my love and attention, I take back my power, transition out of victimhood and position myself to create a beautiful new reality. 

 Let me break it down: We are programmed to think that life randomly happens to us. And sometimes it just sucks to be us. Poor me. Look at all this crap I have to deal with. What’s not apparent to us is that LIFE is NOT RANDOM. In fact, we CREATE our REALITY! 

 What?! Why in the world would we do such an terrible thing like that? What are we, masochists? Actually, no. We have very specific and important reasons why we create realities that cause us suffering. What our soul is doing is allowing us to experience whatever we came here to heal. And we must experience it first before we can heal it. Generally speaking, we often loop around the same block of suffering like we are on a giant gerbil wheel. 

 Sooner or later, perhaps we get tired of the gerbil wheel of suffering, and we are ready to try something different. When this happens, we stop blaming what’s happening outside of us for our unhappiness and begin tending to the hurt parts of ourselves that have suffered so long and are asking to be healed and harmonized back into the LOVE that we are. 

 When we use everything in our external reality to help us get in touch with what in us wants our love and attention, we free ourselves to open to our LIMITLESS nature and to create exciting and beautiful new lives. 

No BS Zone

Sometimes I am full of bullshit. It is the result of many layers of BS that have accumulated over lifetimes. It is my protection mechanism. So sometimes when I feel afraid, the BS just rises right up. 

What am I afraid of? I am afraid that you will judge me as less than you. I am afraid that you will resist and reject me. I am afraid that you won’t understand me, and I will trigger you. I am afraid to be VULNERABLE and AUTHENTIC, and therefore I am afraid to be fully PRESENT with you. That’s why I pull out the BS. I am hiding behind it, hoping you won’t see the real me. 

Seeing this, I choose to FACE my FEAR as the LOVE that we are. 

“Hello Fear, tell me all about it.”

Fear says, “I am tired of being judged, resisted, misunderstood, alone, rejected, unwanted, neglected, unimportant.”

To my Fear:

“I AM so sorry. You have suffered so much trying to protect me and help me get what you feel I need and want. Thank you for all you’ve done. You can rest now. I AM here, and I will never leave you again. You are SAFE now. From here on out, I will carry you. I love and accept you, Fear, exactly as you are.”

I have decided to declare a no BS zone. I don’t have to hide from you anymore. I choose to show up fully PRESENT, AUTHENTIC and VULNERABLE. If I feel afraid, I will continue to tend to MY fear. If you feel triggered by me, that’s okay too because I will allow you to use this as an opportunity to tend to YOUR fear. This way we stop playing games, and we HARMONIZE these parts of ourselves, which is the reason we even came here to begin with. Saying this, I feel better already. 

Fear As An Unruly Child

I have had the privilege of raising three children, and it wasn’t easy! In fact, it was one of the most challenging and humbling experiences of my life. What I didn’t realize at the time was my children were working closely with me as mirrors of myself!

When a child acts out and misbehaves, he/she is merely reacting to a fear or judgement. They experience feeling wrong, unimportant, unwanted, ignored, unsafe and so on. That exacerbates their fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, irritation, sadness, jealousy and so forth. What I didn’t realize is they are merely reflecting back to me my own fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, irritation, sadness!

I was taught to CONTROL my children by making them obey me and the rules imposed to keep them safe. I was taught that behavior was bad and good, and that bad behavior would not be tolerated.

What I didn’t know was that all that child wants is to experience nonjudgmental presence, to feel safe and loved unconditionally exactly as they are, to be seen, felt and heard as they are working through their collection of fears in this lifetime. That is what everyone wants.

I now realize that my work here is to reparent myself. My fear, like my children, wants to experience nonjudgmental presence, to feel safe and loved unconditionally exactly as she is, to be seen, felt and heard as I AM working through my collection of fears in this lifetime. I can give all of that to her as the LOVE that we are. It’s a PROCESS, one that requires AWARENESS and INTENTION. I AM essentially reprogramming my old way of parenting myself which was to CONTROL my fears through rigid rules, diets, religions, to judge and punish myself when I transgress the rules.

Instead I choose to hold nonjudgmental presence for my fear as she arises in this moment. I let her know she is SAFE, LOVED beyond measure and that there’s nothing wrong with her. We’re just going through our process of healing and harmonizing our aspect of the collective. This new way of being is graceful, loving and a whole lot easier. No more fighting myself and others. I just keep creating more peace, love and joy by loving and accepting myself in this moment.