Everybody wants terrific relationships, yet the crazy thing is few people really understand what it takes to develop strong relationships. Well, the truth is the most important relationship we will ever have is our relationship with ourselves. We must begin first with ourselves and build relationships as an extension of the unconditional love that we have given ourselves.
What does that look like? you ask...It means that instead of expecting the other’s approval, validation or avoidance of our own insecurities, we take responsibility to love and heal those hurt parts of ourselves. In other words, we use everything in our experience to find out what wants our love and attention and give that to ourselves first. Then we offer the same love and acceptance to the other.
Beyond that understanding, which is a basic foundational element of all relationships, I have noticed three things that are necessary to build terrific relationships. These three things are trust, truth and time.
Let’s break it down further. What is trust and how do we create it? The definition of trust is a “firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.” In other words, trusting that people will do what they say they’re going to do, trusting that people have your back, trusting that you can count on someone. When there’s a break in trust, there’s generally a fear or limiting belief, which comes from fear, that caused the break. And what most people do is try to project out or blame or expect the other to take care of their fear, instead of addressing their own fears, so that they can build trust in the relationship.
Here’s an example...Someone tells the other they will contact them tomorrow, and they wind up actually not contacting them for a week. Now, there may be a lot of reasons why they weren’t able to contact the other, which seem perfectly reasonable to the one who has failed to follow through on what they said they were going to do. But when it all boils down, the real break isn’t because of how busy they were. The real issue is an underlying fear, such as fear of being controlled or responsible for another that has motivated the other’s inattentiveness. Meanwhile, that person is unable to build trust, no matter how understanding or accepting the other is because even though the other may not be upset with the person who broke trust, they still can’t rely on what the other says.
The second thing to build terrific relationships is TRUTH. And once again, we must begin with ourselves. We must be willing to be very honest with what we are thinking and feeling, so that we can heal those parts of ourselves. Once we start expecting other people to tiptoe around our fears, we cause problems. When we’re able to be authentic with ourselves, then and only then can we be authentic with others. From this truthful place, we can choose to be honest and open with the other at all times.
Whenever we find ourselves wanting to hide the truth from another, we will always find a fear associated with that inauthenticity. So, that becomes the opportunity to heal that fear, and then to continue moving forward in honesty with the other. Let’s look at an example of this... Someone fails to share with their partner that they have spent some time with another person because they don’t want their partner to be upset or jealous. This may lead to a string of inauthentic behavior, all trying to cover up fears...fear of the other’s anger and jealousy, the other’s fear of being inadequate and so on. Once again, when we are able to get really honest with ourselves about our own fears and heal those, then we can choose to be very authentic with the other and allow them to have their experience with their own fears.
The third element for terrific relationships is TIME. There’s no way around spending time to build good relationships. They don’t just happen. And when I speak of time, I mean quality time. This is true for any relationship, and it must first begin with the time we spend with ourselves. If we value someone, we must be willing to invest our time with them. In fact, it’s not a chore. It’s a delight, honor and privilege.
What I notice with a lot of relationships is we tend to prioritize other things over our relationships, often because we become overwhelmed with the demands of life. If we’re not careful and diligent, life has a way of sucking the life out of us. Our jobs, our obligations, often snowball, leaving precious little time to invest in relationships. And the next thing you know, you’re laying on your deathbed looking back on your life and all the time you invested in stuff that never really mattered in the long run, feeling deep regret over prioritizing a job, money, frivolous activities over the people you love. So, if you want to build a relationship and show someone that you love them, this is how you spell love...T-I-M-E.
And that’s how to build terrific relationships, trust, truth and time!
